Once More
by CrazyStarfinder
Summary: A series of drabbles of the characters’ thoughts in the aftermath of the season six episode Once More With Feeling. COMPLETE!
1. The Watcher

Author: Kelly

Disclaimer: All characters associated with Buffy The Vampire Slayer do not belong to me, but the wonderful Joss Whedon. I'm simply borrowing them.

Summary: A series of drabbles of the characters' thoughts in the aftermath of the season six episode Once More With Feeling.

A/N: Most of these were written at an insane time in the morning but please do enjoy.

The Watcher Rupert Giles

"Wish I could play the father…" 

Rupert Giles stands alone in the bathroom of the Summers' residence, his own reflection staring back at him. There is a tired and haunted expression in his eyes as he removes his glasses and sets them down on the basin. He reaches out and turns the cold water tap slowly then places his hands beneath the cool liquid flowing freely. Giles takes one last look at himself before cupping his hands together and lowering his head. Immediately his face meets his hands as he splashes the water against his face again and again. He does this in the hopes to wash away all feeling, to wash away the sins.

Without moving, he reaches out for the tap and shuts off the water. Slowly, he lifted his head and straightens up until he can see his reflection once more. The man before him is a failure, a watcher who failed to save his charge and prevent her death, not once but twice. The water is running down his face from his forehead and down to the tip of his nose. Rupert does not care, as it is the least of his worries right now.

/ His concern lies with his slayer, Buffy. She died under natural circumstances and she had been brought back by her friends. Her selfish and stupid friends who pulled her out of Heaven of all places. He had noticed an immediate change in her and even though he was pleased to have her back and to feel her warm in his arms. Giles knew something was wrong. /

Painfully slow, he picks up a towel and starts patting his face dry. He cannot stand to look at himself any longer so he turns away. He knows that partly he is to blame for Buffy's resurrection, if he had been here instead of England then he may have been able to prevent it and she wouldn't have had to endure even more suffering. Instead, he leans against the sink and looks down at the ground.

/ Buffy dying has been an awakening for him as he truly realised the depth of his affection for her when he lost her. Quentin Travers has once said to him that he possessed "a father's love for the child" which Giles tried his best to deny. Now though, none of that mattered and he could clearly see it was the truth. /

He isn't her father and he can never claim to be as much as he wants to play the role. Giles has also noticed a pattern of behaviour with Buffy, she has become too dependent on him but his job is to guide her. It is not to carry her and it's this realisation that fuels his heartbreaking decision. He is "standing in the way" and if he remains here in Sunnydale then it will only get a lot worse.

He does not want to abandon Buffy, he loves her dearly but he needs to make her see, to make her understand. He needs to ensure that she learns that it is vital that she stand on her own two feet and take on responsibilities instead of putting them onto others, as she is accustomed too.

She is a bright young woman who has always been an independent thinker but he feels that his presence here is clouding her judgement. Fathers are there to guide their daughters and he is not her father. A fact that he is painfully aware of but he only wants the best for his Buffy.

Giles finishes drying his face and puts his glasses back on. He turns around and drapes the towel over the rail while returning his gaze to the mirror. There is no longer a failure looking back at him but a man who has made up his mind.

"_Wish I could stay."_


	2. The Key

The Key Dawn Summers

"_Does anybody even notice…"_

She closes the door quietly and crosses to the other side of the room. Dawn Summers purses her lips together as she opens up her trinket box then lifts up the tray to reveal all her little treasures. She takes out a bracelet and examines it carefully. It is blue and silver with the price tag still attached to the item. She slips it on for a moment and admires her most recent acquisition next to the talisman she is still wearing, which got her into a lot of trouble with a Demon called Sweet. The talisman has been taken back to the magic shop where it belongs but she knows that will not deter her from taking more.

Dawn steals because she can…because no one watches her…because no one cares. Not even her own sister, Buffy. Carefully, she takes the bracelet off and places it back into the box to conceal her secrets once more before walking over to her bed. She sits down heavily upon it and stares vacantly into space.

It has been a long night and she is tired. She knows she will not be able to sleep after finding out the price that was paid to have her sister returned to her. They all thought that she had been suffering in pain when she died but she wasn't. They were wrong and Dawn now knows why Buffy asked her if this was Hell when she first saw her. Knowing this information cuts Dawn deeper than any knife.

She is aware that she should be more sympathetic but she cannot help but think about one thing. She cannot help but think that her sister is back and she is alone no more.

/ The ill fated Buffy Bot had stood in as the Slayer while her sister was dead but she didn't do as well standing in for a sadly missed sister. Dawn had spent most nights going into Buffy's bedroom and lying next to the bot as it recharged. It hasn't been aware of her presence and it certainly wasn't a substitute for the real thing but it had made Dawn feel a little better. /

Now she has the real Buffy back but Buffy still feels isolated from everyone, including Dawn. Her sister doesn't want to be here, in this world and it makes Dawn miserable. It makes her cry. She lies down and sobs silently into her pillow. Her mother has been gone a while now and she has never felt so unwanted, has never seemed so alone.

"_The hardest thing in this world is to live in it."_


	3. The Vampire

The Vampire...Spike

"_There's a traitor here beneath my breast"_

It's dark and dank but it's home. Spike strolls into his crypt, switches the television on and flops down onto the old battered armchair. There is nothing good on TV but then again there never is so he looks around for something that can dull the pain of having to sit through lousy programmes.

The Vampire smiles as he spies his potential victim, a bottle of Whisky and makes a grab for it. He grips it tightly then brings it to his lips, pulling out the stopper in the top with his teeth. He spits the stopper out and takes a long healthy swig of the clear amber liquid.

He lowers the bottle then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. He pays attention back to the television and there is still nothing decent on, not even a repeat of Passions. Spike takes another long drink of the foul smelling stuff then slams the bottle down on the table. He recalls the events of the last few days.

Singing and dancing, burning and dying and all things Nancy. He hasn't been immune though and he has found himself singing more than he would care to admit.

/ When Buffy arrived to gain information from him, he had desperately tried to get her to leave but it was too late and the damage was done. He had started singing; he sang his unbeating heart out to her. He was in love with her. A Vampire in love with a Slayer! Spike had since come to terms with this and had decided to quit denying the fact, especially since her death. /

Spike is confused and surprised. She claims to him with a passion yet he is the only person Buffy has confided in about her death. She has told him about where she thought she was, how she thought she was in Heaven before her friends pulled her out. Those friends didn't find out about that fact until tonight, even her Watcher didn't know and he was supposedly all knowing.

He is even more confused by Buffy after sharing an intimate kiss with her. Even though he is undead, he still has dreams and all these dreams have involved her. Tonight, his dreams became one step closer to reality.

This delights him as it only adds to his theory that she was brought back a lot darker than she was and he likes it. A grin crosses over his face as he picks up the bottle and finishes the last of the Whisky. Spike looks back to the TV and jumps to his feet. He throws the empty bottle at the wall and switches the television set off.

He is restless and has too much energy, which needs burning off. He wants to go kill something; he wants to do some damage. He grabs his coat and disappears into the night.

"_If my heart could beat it would break my chest."_


	4. The Vengeance Demon

The Vengeance Demon…Anya

"_The name I made I'll trade for his."_

Anya smiles as she changes into her night clothes and trots over to the bathroom. The sight of her toiletries next to Xander's elates her and makes her feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Not warm and fuzzy like a bunny though because that's just disturbing and why would anyone like to be like a bunny? Her gaze is immediately drawn to her engagement ring.

She is old, a lot older than the Scoobies put together, including Spike and never in a thousand years did she ever believe she would find herself in this position. If someone had said to her that she would find happiness and fall in love with a mortal man, she would have ripped off their ears and made them into a fashion accessory. Yet Anya has fallen for a mortal man by the name of Alexander Harris, she loves him dearly and this ring adorning her finger is symbolic of his never ending love for her. He loves her so much that he wishes to make her his wife.

Making her his wife would mean marriage and marriage is for life. Marriage is forever and the thought of her spending the rest of her life with Xander makes her very happy.

As for the events of tonight, Anya doesn't care much about what has happened. Of course, she feels some sort of sympathy for Buffy and even goes as far as to wonder about which heavenly dimension she was pulled from. This is the extent of her concern. She has far more important things to consider such as bridal showers and arrangements for her wedding. For their wedding.

She pulls out the brightly coloured toothbrush and applies plenty of toothpaste. Anya closes the cabinet and is greeted by her very attractive outward appearance. She smiles as she starts brushing her already perfectly white teeth softly. Once more her mind wonders but this time it is about the wedding.

She imagines the wedding and how pretty her dress shall be and how handsome Xander will look. Already she is having unbelievable pleasant feelings and spits into the sink. They are not even married and she is starting to get a sense of martial bliss by moving in with him, at least she thinks they have moved in together as she has most of her stuff over here. Hence the moving in together part. Anya sips at some water, swirls it around her mouth then spits into the sink once more to get rid of any excess toothpaste. She dries her mouth and looks into the mirror once more, admiring her reflection.

Xander is upset and she knows that it is her duty as his bride to be to try and cheer him up. She takes one last look in the mirror but she frowns as she realises that soon she will not be so pleased with her appearance as she is right now.

One day she will grow old, she will age and die. However, the thought no longer scares her as much as it once did for she knows that Xander will always be by her side throughout the years.

"_Will I look good when I've gotten old?"_


	5. The Quiet One

The Quiet One – Tara

"_I'm under your spell."_

It is approaching 4am and Tara is still awake. She crosses her legs and sits up straighter on the couch, being careful not to spill her cup of warm cocoa. She lifts it up her lips and gently sips at it. Her girlfriend is upstairs sleeping but Tara knows that it will be a while before she is able to do the same.

Tara has always been an extremely shy and sensitive individual, even when she was a little girl. Willow has changed her life and allowed her to come out of her shell. She is far more confident and outgoing; Willow has brightened her previously dark world. Instead of being content with the life she has been leading, she is now delighted.

Even though there has been alterations to how she lives her life, Tara is still the level headed Wiccan she was before she met the woman who is undoubtedly her soul mate. Her feelings have not changed and her respect for the magicks remains the same. Tara has practised magic longer than Willow and is more cautious when it comes to abusing it or relying on it the way Willow has.

Buffy died and they had brought her back. More specifically, Willow had brought her back but she, Xander and Anya were heavily involved. They have messed with power, with magicks and unknown forces and it obvious to Tara they there have been serious consequences. Buffy confessed that she was in Heaven and she was happy there. Tara also is aware of how hard this information has hit Willow, she is upset about learning this fact but it is the only way she is going to learn from her mistakes.

The Slayer died and perhaps she should have remained dead. It's clear that she was happier with that arrangement.

Tara finishes the last of her cocoa and leans forward to set it down on the coffee table. She sits back and leans into the cushions while gazing back to the bottom of the stairs. She is lost in her thoughts; she is concerned for Willow who's becoming far too dependent on magic. It is a disturbing trend that she has been noticing lately but it's not her overuse of magic that is worrying her the most. It's who Willow has been using it on that concerns her.

When she was looking after Dawn earlier that night, the teenager had mentioned something about her and Willow arguing. Willow and Tara had never fought and she was very certain that she would remember having a fight with her lover. Instinctively, Tara knew that Dawn had no reason to mislead her and remembered the bramble she had found beneath Willow's pillow, the one Tara had been wearing most of the day.

It had set off alarm bells in her head. She had urgently sought out the books at the Magic Shop in the hopes of finding out more about it. Her worst fears had been confirmed, it turned out to be _"Lethe's Bramble". _It was something used for augmenting spells of forgetting and mind control. Willow had cast a spell to make Tara forget they had ever fought.

Tears sting Tara's eyes as she recalls that moment, she felt completely betrayed by the words on the page but again, they had no reason to lie to her as they were just words. It is as painful now as it was a few hours ago. How could Willow do this to her? How could see willingly alter her memory after what Glory had done to her?

She feels hurt, she feels confused and disappointed but above all she feels utterly betrayed. Couples are supposed to settle arguments by shouting it out or talking it through but Willow had taken the only course of action that she knew. She had turned to magic to solve the problem or make it go away, just like she had been using it to do everything else.

Tara no longer feels that she can carry on this way. She cannot and will not stand by and watch Willow continue to act this way. She loves Willow with all her heart but she is only left with one choice and a difficult decision to make.

"_Wish I could stay…"_


	6. The One Who Sees All

The One Who Sees All - Xander

"_Why is the path unclear?"_

As Anya goes about her nightly routine, Xander Harris makes a beeline for TV and switches it on. Normally, he flicks through the channels in search of something but tonight he sits down and stares absently at the screen. He is numb and cannot will himself to do anything. The news about Buffy's fate is too much for him to take in. She was in freaking Heaven then she was pulled out, after all the hell she endured after her mother's death she had finally been at peace. Then they had ripped her away and dragged her back.

Xander had been pretty much against it from the start but that didn't mean that he wasn't glad to have his favourite slayer back in action. He was upset that she had to go through coming back to this harsh reality but the bottom line was that she was back.

He hears Anya go into the bathroom and looks over to the door. Xander loves Anya more than he has ever loved anything in his life but he is beginning to have doubts. They are no doubts in regard to her, they're not even doubts that are life changing or could change his entire futures. Xander likes to think of them more like pit stops and he smiles to himself as his analogy. It's not the most descriptive but it's an accurate one.

He only wants the best for Anya, it's all he's ever wanted. Xander steeples his hands together and places them against his lips. He can't believe everything that has happened to him, how lucky he is. He has his own job and a decent one at that. He had his own apartment and not to mention the most amazing fiancée in the world, in the universe even!

So why does he feel like there is something wrong with this equation? Perhaps it is just the old Xander Harris raising his head.

The Xander Harris who expected everything to go wrong as it always did. The schoolboy who went to high school where everything went wrong for him. He never got high grades, whenever he asked someone out he got rejected. Cordelia Chase was an exception but even that ended in disaster.

Xander tries to be optimistic and is the one who is always making the jokes in a bad situation. It's not all bad but sometimes even he has doubts, his just not very good at vocalising them as some people. He brightens up some as he actually looks at the TV to see back-to-back episodes of COPS.

"_But there's these fears I can't quell."_


	7. The Witch

The Witch – Willow "We'll see it through…" 

Willow is all warm and snugly tucked up under the giant duvet but there is a notable absence. She turns over onto her side and reaches her arm across the pillows, it is late and Tara has not yet come to bed. Her eyes narrow and she stares at the empty space for a long time. It is extremely unlike her girlfriend to stay up so late and this begins to worry her.

She gets out of bed and walks over to the door, peering out into the hallway and listens. She isn't completely certain but she is sure that she can hear the television and walks to the top of the stairs. Willow silently makes her descent down the stairs and stops on the fifth step, craning her neck so she can make out Tara's figure on the couch.

Her girlfriend seems lost in her own world and Willow watches her. She knows something is wrong with her but Tara has been acting strangely towards her since the magic shop and this doesn't sit well with Willow. Tara shifts in her seat slightly and Willow quickly moves out of sight, heading back up the stairs before she is seen.

Quietly, she walks back to their room and pauses by Buffy's room. The door is open and her bed hasn't yet been slept in. It seems she and Tara are not the only ones who cannot settle down. Willow is concerned even further with this knowledge, at least she knows Tara is downstairs but Buffy could be anywhere and surely enough she was upset.

Willow's lip trembles slightly as she enters the room and walks over to the window. Willow gazes out of it and looks into the backyard, it is still dark but the stars are still shining. She thinks back to Buffy's revelation, about how she was in Heaven but she was pulled out of there. Willow had pulled her out of there and she had used some powerful magicks in order to do it. That moment had been one of the worst of Willow's life, she thought she had been helping her and all this time Buffy had been lying to them?

Then again, Buffy hasn't been the only one spinning lies as Willow has been doing a few of them herself. She walks over to the bed and sits down on top of the cover with a miserable expression. Tara thinks she has been using too much magic and they even fought about it, but Willow was never any good in fights so she had cast a harmless spell to make her forget. Then there's Giles who had the audacity to call her stupid and a complete amateur for bringing Buffy back to life.

Tears start to roll down her face as she contemplates her situation. One of her best friends had been lying to her for the past few months. Giles had chided her for her actions and Tara had raised her voice to her and it was evident that something was wrong because she wouldn't even share her bed. Willow lies down and places her head upon the pillow once more, why does everything always go wrong at the same time? Buffy should've been in bed right now, dreaming or more ideally she would be in Heaven living the dream and Tara should've been here.

Tara should have been here with her arms wrapped around Willow in order to comfort her. Even when things got really bad, Willow knew that she could always rely on Tara to give her a bright perspective on the matter but not tonight. It feels like something bad is going to happen, maybe not specifically to her but something that involves her and she hates that feeling. Willow finally hears footsteps and looks up at the doorway with a expectant look. A door closes followed by the sound of running water, Willow's lowers her eyes and her expression changes dramatically.

"_Where do we go from here?"_


	8. The Slayer

The Slayer – Buffy 

"_I touch the fire and it freezes me."_

It's dark and it's late yet Buffy Summers remains completely unfazed as she walks through the quiet cemetery. She knows that she should be at home with her loved ones sleeping but instead she is walking through a silent town in the dead of night. There aren't even any demons or vampires or other nasties lurking about which is unfortunate because the Slayer really feels the need for a good kill.

She sighs dramatically as she steps over a broken tombstone and walks to the gate. Swiftly, Buffy scales it and lands on the other side. She dusts off her hands and pulls her coat to her body tighter before beginning the short walk home. Normally, Buffy wouldn't be out this late but tonight she feels the need to be anywhere but home. Besides, she knows that her younger sister is safe at home with Willow and Tara and yet it was a different story only a few hours ago.

She is close to home now as she turns the corner and finds herself walking down her street. Buffy stops at the end of the driveway to see all the lights in the house are off so everyone must be asleep. She looks to the row of houses opposite, up and down the block and gets the same result. Complete darkness with only the street lamps for illumination.

Undoing her jacket, she walks into the backyard to gain access to the rear of the property. She pushes open the kitchen door quietly, shuts it too and locks it while setting her coat down on the counter. Buffy walks to the refrigerator, opens it and peers inside but she has no appetite tonight. Instead, she just opts for a bottle of mineral water and closes the refrigerator as quietly as she can. Quickly, she unscrews the cap and gulps down half the bottle in one go, unaware that she was so thirsty.

With the bottle still in her hand, she walks into the front room and all her senses go alert when she hears a noise. Buffy's body only relaxes when she realises its Tara sleeping on the couch but this only confuses her more. She quietly climbs up the stairs and enters her room, closing the door behind her with a silent click. Buffy places the bottle down on the nightstand next to her bed and walks over to the window. Promptly, she opens it up to allow fresh air into the room. She inhales deeply she fights back tears. Up until this point she has just been existing, just been playing it one day at time and going through the motions.

Now she doesn't have this luxury because her friends know the truth. It was something that Buffy didn't want them to know as she had already caused them enough pain and suffering without all this. Then again, did she really think that she would be able to keep something like this to herself forever?

Sure, she had told Spike but he didn't count, right? Spike wasn't even considered a friend, he was just there when she needed to talk but yet, she had kissed him. Buffy wrinkles her nose as the thought as she never imagined that she would do something like that with Spike of all people.

She straightens up and folds her arms while leaning against the window frame. No, she thinks that it was just a delayed reaction to the whole incident with Sweet the Demon. All her friends had been present when she inadvertently revealed the truth about her death. Buffy truly thought she was in Heaven and she was happy there. It was such a wonderful experience, to be in a place where she had no worries or cares. She had missed her friends dearly but she knew they were safe and that they would look after Dawn. For once in her entire life Buffy was at complete peace, she wasn't the Chosen one and she didn't have to fight. For once, she didn't feel utterly alone.

Sometimes she can't even cry for what she had lost, for what she touched briefly. She cannot comprehend what she is feeling apart from the disappointment of coming back to this world. Buffy unfolds her arms and upon the town of Sunnydale. It's vast and looks so peaceful and quiet but in truth it's worse than it appears. It's sitting on the mouth of Hell, which means that in a heartbeat it could be far more terrible than any Hell dimension in existence.

The people are so rude and only care about themselves and inferior things. If only they knew how much she had sacrificed in order to ensure their survival, to save the world.

No wonder Buffy had thought this was Hell when she first came back, she had started to feel this way about life even before she died. Buffy inhales deeply once again in an effort to take in more of the refreshing night air into her lungs. She closes the window so that it's only open an inch or two then walks over to her bed.

Instead of getting undressed, she climbs on top of the covers and lies down. She stares out of the window and from her position she can see the sky. The stars shine faintly back at her and a brief smile passes over her lips as she thinks back to the place she used to be.

"_I think I was in Heaven."_


End file.
